gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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