He disabled his match.com account in front of me
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
