Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize