Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Did you just see the Batmobile???
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
