Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
