life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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