the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Sober January is a disaster.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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