I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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