after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
