I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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