Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
