well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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