you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
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4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
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she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it