My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
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Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
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Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.