I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
