Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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