"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?