there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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