i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
