last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
