shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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