Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
