Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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