btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
