I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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