It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
