piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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