I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
