I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
