I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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