my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Randomize
