Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
