i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
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