My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
