I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
