I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
