Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
