i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
