You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
