I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
