Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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