Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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