don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Sober January is a disaster.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
