Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
