I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
