god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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