dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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