why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
