There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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