I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She's the barista slut.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
