the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
