Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
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