im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
