Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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