even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
