Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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