i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
