I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
