I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
