I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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