Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Sorry about my life...
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
