she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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