um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
