You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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